You’re in a relationship, and you think that your partner adores having you wrap your arms around them while they are doing dishes after dinner. One night they jerk away from you and start screaming about how it takes them so much longer to do the dishes with you hanging on them all of the time. 

Your partner was sure that you loved quiche, and they made it for you as often as they could. One day you couldn’t handle eating it anymore because you despised it more than any other food. The only reason you ate it was to make them happy. As you pushed the plate away without taking a single bite, your stomach growled. “I’m not really in the mood for quiche tonight,” you say, “or ever again,” you grumble. As your partner looks up from their plate, you know what is coming.

What could have solved both of these problems? Communication. No matter how long you and your partner have been together, you and your partner will have communication mishaps occasionally, but it should not be happening all of the time. 

What Makes Communication So Important?

Communication helps us to discuss our boundaries. Boundaries are nonnegotiable. These are what we are okay with and not okay within our relationship. Such examples of this might include:

  • Household chores

Many people have a different idea of how clean a house should be kept. On top of that, in many homes, if it is not delegated, women often get the tidying up pushed off on them on top of working a full-time job. A boundary for some people may be that they will not work a full-time job and do all of the chores around the house. You will want to communicate what is expected of both partners when it comes to the chores that need to be done by each person. You do not want one person taking advantage of the other. This will ensure that you do not end up having the same argument over and over about who needs to do which chore. 

  • Sexual exclusivity 

It is not unusual for people in a romantic relationship to expect their partner to not sleep with other people. However, it is crucial that this boundary be established. When you do this, you are making sure you and your partner want the same thing. You do not want to commit to a relationship that won’t work out long-term. 

Why Communicate Your Needs

Your needs are everything that you feel is necessary for your own well-being. These are not the same as your non-negotiables, which are set in stone. Your needs could include:

  • Getting compliments
  • Spending time with your friends
  • Having alone time
  • Having your own hobbies

What About Your Wants?

In a relationship, your wants are extras. These are the things that you would like to have, but they are not crucial to your well-being, nor are they part of your nonnegotiables. These are things that would be nice to have. 

Examples of wants could include:

  • Regular sex

While sex is not going to be important to everyone, it is to some people, and if it is to you, it could be one way to keep your relationship alive. Sex is also an excellent way to show your partner that you love them. Letting your partner know that it is one of your wants does not mean that it is going to happen all of the time, but it does increase your chances of having it more often than if you did not tell them at all. 

  • Spending Time Doing Things Together

While some people want to do more things on their own, others want to spend more time with their partners. If you want to spend some time doing something together, such as playing golf or taking a class, let your partner know. Even if you don’t know what it is that you want to do, the two of you will be able to figure something out that both of you can enjoy. 

Communication Improves Intimacy

Relationships are not like the romantic movies produced in Hollywood. There is no way for us to know what our partners want or need unless we communicate with them. This is actually a good thing. The more that we communicate with our partner, the stronger our relationship will become. As we communicate with our partners, we build emotional and sexual intimacy. 

Managing Conflict Using Communication

When we use communication to manage conflict in our relationship, we avoid allowing conflict to destroy our relationships. Communication ensures that we do not turn to toxic methods of managing conflict such as the silent treatment, jumping to conclusions, or having screaming battles. 

Instead, when you use communication to manage conflict, you take the time to find out the facts before guessing what is going on. Instead of judging, you discuss what is actually going on because you know that it is better to understand what the other one is feeling than to try and win a fight. 

Talking about the problem and working through it without hurting your partner’s feelings and them moving on with your life is much better than spending hours going around in circles getting nowhere and going to bed mad at each other. 

One of the best ways for you to communicate your feelings while you are having a conflict is to make sure that you are using “I feel” statements and not “You are” statements. “You are” statements can make your partner feel as if you are attacking them. On the other hand, “I feel” statements keep the focus on you. 

In order to get what you need, want, and avoid what you do not want within your relationship, it is crucial that you take the time to communicate with your partner. It may not always be easy. In fact, it can be awkward and make you feel uneasy at times, but it is always worth it.