Why do we discipline our kids?
It might seem that we are constantly telling kids to “sit up straight” and “not make a mess”; as parents, we are responsible for everything they do, and most of us make sure that the kids are behaving as perfectly as possible. However, the whole idea of disciplining children is not to make them behave pristinely, but to make sure that our kids are well prepared for life.
Just like healthy food, love, and physical and mental stimulation, discipline is a basic need for all children. Without discipline, our kids will have trouble navigating through the simplest challenges of life. When parents discipline their children, we are actually teaching them important life skills they’ll carry well into their adulthood.
How to Discipline Children
Discipline is completely different from punishing your kids, or from forcing them to do something. To discipline a child is to teach them certain skills for life, and not just about getting the chore done. It is in a child’s nature to try and go against their parent’s instructions, but it is also the duty of parents to impose some regulation in their lives.
So how can a parent, especially a mother, discipline the children? Here are some ideas.
- Understand their Limits. We might wish for a child to stay completely still and silent for hours in the car, but this is not something within their limit. Therefore, when disciplining their children, it is important that mothers consider the kids’ limit. You can play some car games with them, give them a book to read, or point out interesting things outside, but to force or scare them to surpass their bound would be excessive.
When asking your kid to do something (or not do something), it is crucial that you consider their personal limit, and stop before you expect the impossible.
- Don’t Just Tell Them, Show Them. The fastest way to get your children to do something would be by showing them what to do, in practice. If you want them to be tidy and clean their own room, begin by cleaning yours; if you want them to be respectful of others, be so yourself. If you want them to limit their screen time and read more, you’ll need to start reading first. All children learn by watching and following, and not by their parents’ orders. If you want to teach your children the right way to live, adopt those model behaviors yourself.
- Give Believable Consequences. Children are smart; they won’t believe you if you start giving them preposterous ultimatums. Instead, if you calmly but firmly let them know the consequences of their actions, they will follow through. If you want them to tidy to their toys, tell them you’ll confiscate their toys for the day if they don’t do so. On the other hand, if you threaten to take away their dinner or throw away all their toys, they won’t believe you.
- Remember to Follow Through. Whatever you had threatened or promised, keep to your word. Otherwise, they won’t believe you the next time. This is why it is very important that you never make a promise or give an ultimatum that you can’t follow through. Never promise them a treat if you can’t make it come true and never threaten them with something you know you won’t do.
- Ignore the Bad Behavior. Sometimes, children simply misbehave because they want attention. Chiding them on every single thing that they do throughout the day will end up making you the nagging mother, someone they can easily ignore. So, it is important that you know when not to respond or pay attention. Unless they are doing something dangerous or damaging, ignore them. Not all misbehavior need to be corrected or addressed, not if you want to stay sane at the end of the day.
- Redirect or Distract Them. For behavior that you neither want to ignore nor make a big deal of, redirect their attention. Give them a snack of their choice or ask them a question, and remove them from where they had been creating havoc. Disciplining your children doesn’t always require that you punish them for every single thing they do in their life.
- Hear Them Out. This is something most of us forget to do, especially when we are angry. However, it is important to remember that kids have a say in most things, as well. If they had broken any rule, demand an explanation before giving them a punishment. Their explanation might be a valid one at times, but you’ll never know unless you give them a chance to clarify.
- Be Fair. Don’t punish them for something they didn’t know they were supposed to do, or not supposed to do. Disciplining your children would require you to give them a fair trial. Don’t reproach them for waking the baby up with their shouts when they didn’t know they were supposed to be quite. Similarly, don’t scold them for watching something inappropriate on television when they didn’t know what it was. Be fair, because your children don’t always mean to be misbehaving; sometimes, it is just accident.
- Pay Attention to the Good Behavior. You cannot only scold them on their bad behavior without praising them on the good one. Children love to be praised and rewarded; everything they do something right, give them a compliment and a cuddle. Don’t highlight the bad ones without also making a big deal of the good ones.
- Be Direct. Children respond better to direct commands and instructions rather than suggestions. Say: “Put on your shoes” instead of “It’s time to put on your shoes” or “Could you please put on your shoes?” Make your instructions simple and straight so that they have no chance of being confused. Children’s minds aren’t as complex as that of an adult; sometimes, they may be unresponsive and unruly simply because they didn’t understand your instruction.
- Be Positive in your Approach. Instead of saying “Don’t do that”, phrase it differently – in a positive manner. Instead of saying, “Don’t be a bad boy/girl”, say “Be a good boy/girl.” It might not seem like much, but children will notice the positivity in your attitude, and act accordingly.
- Explain the Situation. Whenever you tell them to do something or not do something, it is going to be followed by a question. Don’t end things by saying “Because I said so” or “Because I know what’s best for you”. Instead, explain why you are asking them to not fight with each other, bounce a ball inside the house or tidy up their room. They deserve to know the reason behind your instruction so that they can use their own judgement to follow them.
Children are smarter than we give them credit for. Disciplining them, therefore, requires tact, thoughtfulness and understanding. Just because we are in the position to make rules, it doesn’t mean that we have to become the tyrant in their lives. Rather, disciplining our children means to teach them the rules of life with as much love and consideration as possible.