Matt was the perfect husband for Kylie. He did the dishes every night, brought her flowers and even surprised her by taking her away for a romantic weekend getaway. Their honeymoon never ended, until the arrival of their baby girl. Kylie felt Matt had turned into a complete stranger. He fussed and fawned over the little one, brought all her clothes and toys, was bringing over his family members all the time and barely consulted Kylie on any decision. Isabelle and Mila were an inseparable couple. They loved the same movies, food, places, each other’s families and were so in sync – they usually knew what the other person was thinking. Until baby Rose arrived. Then the fights began, the snide remarks never ended, they were barely civil with each other and soon found nothing in common, except their growing hatred for each other (and their respective in-laws)!
How does such a perfect life turn into a nightmare? How can the arrival of a precious little one cause so many problems? How can choose a baby cot to become a matter of divorce? Welcome, to parenthood. Not everyone experiences such extremes of change in relationships but there is not a single couple that can boast that nothing changed negatively after the arrival of the baby. The transition from being a couple to caring for a newborn can take its toll in so many ways. It’s not merely the physical changes that new moms undergo or even the changes in lifestyles. Changes hit harder and closer to the heart. However, things don’t have to be so traumatic if you prepare yourselves for the inevitable by 3 shifts in your lives. At the end of the day, this milestone in life is not just the birth of a new baby – it is also the birth of 2 new parents.
From me to mine – this is probably the hardest shift to make. Although we would like to believe that our significant other will eternally love and cherish us, the truth is, with the arrival of the newborn, pretty much everything will change. It is only natural that you will love your own offspring and expect your partner to do the same, what we often forget is how your partner and you will change in the process. Gone are the days when he will lovingly look at you or romance you to the moon and back. Most likely you will hear him singing sweet lullabies and cooing baby talks from the moment he is home until you send him rushing out for the diapers.
It is only natural that we feel left out and begin to show signs of being neglected by saying or behaving in a way that ends up puzzling our significant other. We need to remember that this is not “Me time” but “my baby’s time”. The shift in focus is crucial for us to develop our sense of maturity and responsibility – two attributes we always felt we had but never realized until we were faced with caring for a newborn’s life and wellbeing. That brings so many things into perspective. We need to take a step back from each other and focus our love and attention on the little one. Consider that he is actually showering his affection on a mini version of you; don’t think she is ignoring you – see that she is giving your baby so much love and attention.
From mine to ours – The second shift is considering what activities you felt you absolutely need to do by yourself, you will now need to share with your partner. Sleep is something the two of you need to take turns getting, at least in the first few months after the arrival of the baby. No matter how organized you feel your routine will be and how well the baby will follow this (!!) there will be nights of desperation where neither of you could grab a few winks as the baby has colic, or worse, one of you has also come down with the flu. The two of you also need to allocate chores amongst each other so that neither of you feels burdened by the load or feel like the other one is doing nothing. If you are nursing the baby back to sleep then let him do the cooking the next day or if he has been running errands all day, you should put the baby to sleep at night and give him a break.
Take onus of some initiatives and don’t feel shy to allocate some to him. Let your partner feel loved and protected if they break down after not knowing how to change a diaper (it happens). At the same time pull them in for a heart to heart when you feel the first pangs of anxiety and stress at the slightest sound of your little one. The problem is we don’t share the load – we either land up doing it all ourselves or we dump it on our loved ones feeling they can handle it all. Before you find them snapping away at having to change the diaper one more time, do it without being asked and give them a hug for being patient with you.
From ours to love – This finally shift moves away from the two of you to all others around you. Your in-laws are most welcome when they bring in meals, diapers, and toys but don’t let them dictate what to name the baby or make you raise your child the way they did. The first rifts between your relationship with your spouse happen when you feel he is always siding with them – not you. Let him know some things are ok but others are definitely off boundaries. He will respect you more for that and ensure his family understands. But don’t wait until the baby arrives. Do it now over that romantic dinner when both of you are capable of processing information because once the baby arrives, your priorities may be just food and sleep (and not necessarily in that order).
Call friends over if both you and your husband need some time alone or just need to catch up on some sleep or simply step out for a coffee and away from the baby’s cries. Don’t feel guilty but consider this a necessary step for both of you to connect again and think clearly. Parenting means finding time to cherish each other so you can love your baby even more. Parenting means strengthening your bond for your baby.
