Jane knew her son Mark would not like his little brother Matt to play with his toys. Mark was still adjusting to being the older son instead of being the only child. Jane was afraid Mark would throw a tantrum or snatch the toy from Matt. But Mark surprised her when he started playing with Matt. Jane immediately praised Mark for his selfless attitude and promised him a toy of his choice.
Bill had a rough day at work. His daughter Lisa wasn’t helping him as she refused to answer his requests to come for dinner, said she had homework and ran into her room instead of helping out with the dishes. When he knocked to wish her good night, he was disappointed to see her chatting on the laptop with her friend. Not only had she lied to him, but she also was not doing her chores. Bill did the only thing he felt right, he grounded her for the weekend and refused to hear her reasons for why she was on the laptop talking to her friend.
Both examples are typical of praise and punishment. However, things may not be as straightforward as they seem. What if Mark actually wanted to play with his younger brother and the happiness he was about to receive was more than the promise of another toy? Did his mother take that away from him by promising a new toy? Will he now expect a toy each time he plays with his brother? Would it have been simpler if Jane had simply praised him for choosing the right behavior instead of also layering in a bribe?
Similarly, Lisa may actually be under pressure thinking about the assignment for the next day and chosen not to speak to her father or help with the dishes. What if she was busy discussing the assignment with her friend and not chatting? What if Bill had actually not been giving Lisa the much needed attention for her school work? What if her punishment was unwarranted and Lisa now becomes resentful of her father?
A controversial topic in itself, praise and punishment are the most basic methods of disciplining a child’s behavior but often corrupted due to the parent’s negligence, laziness, inability to think through the discipline before administering it. We take a look at both methods and analyze their pros and cons. One can debate this for a long time but, at the end of the day, we list only 2 golden rules for you to either use tough love or talk it out with your little one.
- Praise – complimenting a child on how beautiful their hair is or how pretty their eyes are is good. Complimenting a child for getting a B+ in a subject they were clearly struggling in or praising their efforts on helping with the house chores (no matter how far from clean the house is) is even better. In the first instance, they are being reinforced for something they are already born with. What is appreciated and will only increase is their effort in doing better on a task they earlier found difficult. Praising a child for the right behavior leads them to perform the task again, do it better next time and perhaps, expand this effort towards other behaviors where they may be struggling. Keep the praise simple and to the point. No need to complicate the situation by criticizing them for something else while complimenting another trait. Praise is best administered (and accepted) when kept brief, simple and delivered immediately after the right behavior is executed.
A child that has grown up with love and praise for the right behavior develops into a helpful, friendly and loving child. They have a great sense of accountability. On the flip side, when the right behavior is not acknowledged or worse, acknowledged and then rewarded with an external incentive (a cash prize, toys, desserts which they child never asked for) the child learns that this behavior will bring them external rewards and not focus on their internal sense of accomplishment and values. There will be a decrease in their motivation to produce the behavior, perhaps they may only perform this action when they want the external values resulting in selfish behavior. A better way to use external rewards is when you make a bargain for an activity – eg. If you clean up your room in one hour, you can choose an ice cream of your choice for dessert or if you get all A’s this semester, we will go to Disneyland during the midterm break.
- Punishment – is to be used sparingly, if at all. If the child is misbehaving, then send them for a time out. If they refuse to play nice with their friends or siblings then take away a toy or activity of their choice until they comply. If they throw tantrums or hit their siblings, a strong (but short) chat on why this behavior is totally inappropriate combined with a time out and maybe taking away one of their favorite toys should end it. With punishment, as well as praise, it is important to make the child realize what is and isn’t good or bad behavior. For instance, you cant tell the younger sibling it is ok that they scored a B+ while expecting only an A+ from the older child. It will confuse both children and result in them lowering their performance altogether. Similarly, you can’t criticize your child for asking for more dessert while loading their play date’s plate with another helping. Kids are extremely observant and you need to consistent and fair in your actions.
Forcing the child to confess if they haven’t done anything wrong, punishing them without listening to their justification or worse, punishing them too hard for a minor fault will result in many forms of negative behavior. They may start dreading your presence, become anxious, start lying to get away from punishment and even lead to extreme behaviors like physical aggression with siblings or friends bedwetting, etc. When in doubt, use punishment to a minimum and train your child by using praise. Nothing beats parenting more than a parent who actually listens to their child’s needs.
