Carol was Linda’s pride and joy. Carol loved her mother and obeyed her every request without being told twice. She was the sweetest child on the block always willing to share her toys and inviting new kids to play. Carol was the happy, loving child Linda dreamed of having until she turned 12. Overnight Carol became surly and irritable and needed to be constantly reminded to do her chores. She preferred spending hours admiring herself in the mirror. She barely smiled and usually stayed in her own room than spend time with other kids.
Jackson was the quiet kid and his parents, Shane and Angie, were worried he would be left behind. He would prefer reading or quieter games and loved going to school. Although he didn’t have many friends due to his reserved nature, he was liked by all his teachers and the envy of other boys’ parents who struggled with how rambunctious their boys were. Until Jackson turned 13. His parents felt he was swapped for another kid who suddenly developed friends overnight, hated going to school with a passion and threw his books aside to “hang out” with another new friend they never heard of until the same day.
Sound familiar? It’s a universal phenomenon and teen years can be hard on all parents but traumatic for your kids. Your sweet baby girl now cant talk straight to you, or your little boy who would always welcome you from the door won’t even grunt in your direction. What happened to that angelic child? How do you deal with their mood swings? Is it you? Is it them? Is it the hormones? If ever you need help and answers on how to deal with this problem, read on.
The good news is, every parent and their teen will reach this stage of the battle. From the parent’s perspective, it is hard to see your child growing out of the stages of dependency and evolving into an adult. Some adults find it difficult to relinquish control and may lash out by becoming stricter with the child or ignoring their needs at a time like this or may become too permissive thereby corrupting the child’s ability to develop strong moral character. It is a rare sight to see parents accepting their children’s growth and loosening the chain of control but that is how it should be.
If you think you have it difficult, you are wrong. Your child is about to enter a particularly hard stage in life. They are pushed into a situation in which they are expected to act independently but the moment they do – like going for a party beyond their curfew, asking for an allowance to make purchases you don’t approve; they will quickly be pushed back into the “Child category”. Parents find themselves saying “You can’t stay out so late,” or “Is this how you will throw away all your money – on useless things ?” Say that to an adult and see how they respond. Do you understand how frustrating this can be for your child?
Now add the internal changes every teen must undergo. This can be barbaric so we know mother nature has a sense of humor to ensure all of us go through this. Physiologically, your child is growing into an adult. It’s hard for them to understand the changes their body undergoes. Compound this with the hormonal changes that revolve around anxiety, depression, desire for the other sex, rage and frustration which can shame a “temper tantrum”. All of this with teenage acne, body odor, oily skin and voice changes that can only embarrass you in the middle of a quiet classroom! Feelings of shame and humiliation are natural and no matter how much you tell your child they are “overreacting”, they are not!
Now that you know what is going on physically and mentally within your teen, here is how you can help them.
1. Patience – cannot stress how valuable this is. You have got to be patient and wait for them to come to you during moments of fear or stress. Barging into their private space or expecting them to obey your every desire as they did when they were kids is unreasonable. You need to give them time and act like you would with adults. If you are patient and treat them with respect, they will, in time, learn to respect that trust in you and come around a lot faster than otherwise.
2. Space – give them lots of space. Not physically, but emotionally. There is a lot going on in their head. Peer pressure, trends, and fads, biological changes which is making them second guess everything. You don’t need to add another layer by constricting them. Now is not the time to give unsolicited advice. Give them space and they will come to you asking for advice on topics they need the most help on. When you see they are struggling, show them you are around whenever they need you. By giving them space to make their own decision, you are empowering them of being in control and strengthening your relationship.
3. Love – lots of it. Not that you ever stopped loving them but when you find them lashing out at you when they come home for no fault of yours or if you find them “hanging out” with their friends every day and ignoring time spent with you, you may feel a bit snubbed. But remember, this is their time to grow into an adult and your time to welcome all their talks and chats as you had with your parents, or would have liked your parents to do. You may feel you are losing a child but remember, you are gaining an adult that will be your best friend for life. So love them with all your heart as they will rely on your love to endure this difficult phase in their life to come through with shining colors.
